Derek Zoolander Thinks I’m Beautiful
I’ve never met Derek Zoolander, but he thinks I’m beautiful. I’ve never met him because I don’t roll with male models. Also because he’s a fictional character. But that’s beside the point. He still told me I was beautiful. He said, “Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.” And, ever since my life collided with a newborn, I have discovered that everything is wet. All the time. Always.
Before having a kid, I never realized how much stuff they have inside their tiny little bodies. Unfortunately, most of that stuff is not meant to stay inside those tiny little bodies. Tears, slobber, spit up, snot and anything out the other end – at any given time, they will be sprinkling beauty all over you and the rest of the house.
For those of you preparing for parenthood, try having strange-smelling water gun fights with your partner. When you change into dry, comfy clothes, ask your partner to blast you again. Repeat this process several times each day. Then follow all that up with the gnarly load of laundry you just produced. You might not feel too pretty, but at least Zoolander will think you’re beautiful.