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Your Mom Time Traveled

Scientists who have long toiled over the possibility of time travel can search no further.  This seemingly futuristic phenomenon has not only been possible, but has been put into practice, since the beginning of time.  In fact, since the moment Cain and Abel entered the world, Eve became the first person to time travel.  While […]

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Look Ma, No Hands!

When I was in high school, my good friends nicknamed me Stubs.  My hands are so small, I was nervous my daughter’s would be bigger at birth.  Thanks to my chubby paws, it is difficult to do most tasks that require dexterity.  Buttons are my worst enemy.  Not to mention how tricky household chores can […]

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Filthy Is As Filthy Does

Before having children, I never realized how clean I was.  I brushed my teeth each morning, I properly disposed of all bodily fluids (since I only had to worry about my own), and I had the luxury of showering at my leisure. The day Marie first came home from the hospital, I tried to continue […]

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Babies of Mass Destruction

Trick question.  Babies don’t have fingernails.  They have talons.  And yes, they grow inside the womb.  So when these precious, innocent creatures greet the world, they are ready to fight.  These seemingly angelic beings begin to assemble their weapons as early as 11 weeks in utero.  By week 12, the fingernail buds start growing into […]

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Derek Zoolander Thinks I’m Beautiful

I’ve never met Derek Zoolander, but he thinks I’m beautiful.  I’ve never met him because I don’t roll with male models.  Also because he’s a fictional character.  But that’s beside the point.  He still told me I was beautiful.  He said, “Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.”  And, […]

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Pac-Man Babies

3. Newborns are like Pac-Man characters.  About every two hours, newborns’ Pac-Man Mouth (PMM) will wake them up.  And you, too, if it happens to be at night.  Keep in mind, moms, that the two-hour timer begins when the baby STARTS feeding.  So, if your baby is like mine and nurses for an hour, that […]

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Your Life Will Change

2. Your life will change.  And you’ll be okay with that. Before Marie was born, my blood-pressure sky-rocketed each time I thought about the eternal and constant job I was undertaking.  The label at the end of my defiled stick might as well have read “You are now a mother for the rest of your […]

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What No One Tells You About Parenthood…

Throughout my pregnancy, I spoke with many people about the adventure of parenthood.  From those experiences, I concluded that the trauma of parenting must automatically morph mommies and daddies into people with split personalities.  At the mention of the word ‘parenthood’, they immediately armed themselves with every horror story in their arsenal: Sleeping merely 2-3 […]

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