What Do You Believe?

My family has a Christmas tradition that makes most people’s heads explode.

We don’t do Santa.

(I can hear the gasps from here.)

Screen Shot 2018-12-13 at 2.52.32 PMDon’t get me wrong, we still talk about Santa, watch movies and read books about Santa. Heck, we even go visit him. But my husband and I explain to our kids that Santa is a fun game people play at Christmas to show generosity and kindness.

There are lots of reasons we chose to do this (reasons I won’t go into on this post, but if anyone has questions, feel free to contact me at my link above.) But the truth is, my husband and I spent lots of long nights deliberating over this decision.

You’d be surprised how pressure-filled and difficult it was for us to grind our way down this path. We questioned ourselves. We wondered how our kids would respond. But in the end, it seemed to be working out really well.

Until something strange happened.

This year, my three-year-old thinks Santa is real. Even though we have told her the opposite, point-blank.

She knows that Santa is a game people play. She knows the guys in Santa suits are just men playing dress up. And she knows that Santa is a representation of a real man named St. Nicholas of Myra (because she picks a book about St. Nicholas every night at bedtime.)

So, it isn’t any wonder I got whiplash the first time she spotted “the real Santa” (ahem, a gentlemen with a white beard and rotund tummy who was not dressed up as Santa.)

Over and over now, she gawks at Santa-like men until they notice her and wish her a Merry Christmas. Then she flees to me, squealing with delight and clinging to my leg for dear life. Once the men pass by, she looks up at me, doe-eyed, and points a finger in his direction.

“It was him!” she whispers.

At least once a day, she talks about Santa. She loves the guy. And she really believes he will bring her the jet packs she asked for for Christmas. (According to her, they have size 3T at Target.)

This drastic turnaround of hers got me wondering: How can people believe something when they’ve been flat-out told that its opposite is true?

It’s like we’re hardwired to hope and believe.

Even as adults, we have a natural programming to believe. All of us, to some degree, believe in something. Be it a science-explains-all approach or aliens or Jesus Christ or the idea that humans are absolutely alone in the universe.

Whatever the case, the answer is we don’t have the answers, so we believe in something to fill in the blanks.

Personally, I choose to believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, who took on flesh, became man, and died at the hands of men for the salvation of humanity.

Sounds a little fantastical, no?

So what’s to say that my belief in Jesus is not some antiquated legend or holiday farce?

How do I know I’m not just a grown-up version of my naive daughter?

I mean, here I am staking my life on God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit. How do I know that this is not all in my head? How do I know that any of it is actually true?

Because ultimately we, as Christians, have a faith that is based on reason.

Will my daughter be able to prove that Santa sneaked into our house and left gifts under the tree? No.

Will I be able to prove that Jesus was the Son of God who was crucified, died, and was buried? And that on the third day he rose from the dead and is seated at the right hand of the Father? No.

But proof and evidence are two different things, and what I can do is evaluate Christian claims in other ways.

For one, I can look at historical documents that provide evidence of Jesus’s life and death. From there I can examine any evidence that He performed miracles or rose from the dead. If those stack up, I can start to scrutinize scripture to see if/how it fits with the other evidence. I can also take into account the tradition of my belief system spanning thousands of years and the writings of those who have already asked tough questions about Christianity. And, because they’re available, I can look at the writings of the earliest Church fathers who knew people who actually hung out with this historical Jesus guy.

At that point, you start to get a pretty thick stack of reasons that back up your beliefs.

And that’s totally different than saying, “I believe in Santa because I want jet packs.”

One involves reason, thorough examination, and evidence-based conclusions. The other is based on feelsy goodsies.

So don’t be afraid to ask tough questions. Don’t be afraid to investigate. Don’t be afraid to examine and scrutinize the Christian faith.

And definitely don’t be afraid to believe.

Get My Checkbook

It was a mad dash to the minivan.

We had snacks, we had water cups—though they may or may not have been filled with water—and all three kids were stampeding toward their car seats at the same time. It was even rumored that all the kids had shoes on their feet.

From the looks of things, it would be a successful roundup. (Over the years, my husband and I have somehow figured out how to do this without the use of a lasso or child hypnosis. I know, I’m a little surprised myself.)

I slipped the diaper bag onto my shoulders, shoved my feet into high heels and fastened my watch as I shuffled toward the van (because, as usual, we were late.)

At the push of a button, the van door slid open slowly and I tossed the diaper bag inside. The Elder Child was already fastened in her seat in the far back, her nose pressed to the pages of a book. The Baby was perfectly imprisoned in his pumpkin seat.

From the other side of the van, my husband’s hands furiously worked the buckle on the Middle’s safety belt. He glanced up at me with wide eyes. I’d seen that look many times before. Heck, I was comfortable with it plastered on my face. It was the look of having forgotten something.

“What is it?” I asked. Baby’s milk? Baby’s paci? Shoes? Did the kids not have shoes after all??

“Will you go get the checkbook?” my husband asked.

The checkbook? The request slapped me senseless for a moment. What in the world would he need a checkbook for in this age of digital spending? There was nothing we even needed to buy, for heaven’s sake.

But, there he was, wide-eyed, his hands still fidgeting with Middle’s five-point harness. I took off at a sprint—well, as close to a sprint as one can get in heels—click-clacking through our kitchen to the place where we keep the dusty, nearly forgotten checkbook. For a moment, I stared at the antiquated pieces of paper.

Did he want just one check? Or the whole book?

The whole book would be even more unusual than just one…but hadn’t he asked me to get the checkbook?

I shook it off. The moments I stood gawking at blank checks were moments wasted.

Get the checkbook.

I grabbed the short stack and clomped back through the house to the van.

“Did you get it?” my husband asked, strapping himself into the driver’s seat.

I nodded, somehow out of breath.

“Thanks so much.”

I handed him the blank checks. “Why did you need these?”

“Today’s the last day to get raffle tickets for the Fall Festival and it’s the church’s biggest fundraiser. I wanted to help.”

I nodded again, and finally it all made sense. His request. My response. Everything.

My husband’s request was rooted in love and service, and my response stemmed from absolute trust in him.

Because I know him so well, I trusted him, even when he asked me to do something that made zero sense. And, because I know my husband so well, I sprinted in heels—without knowing why—to do what he asked, trusting that whatever I was doing was good and important.

And it was.

I sat shotgun as we zoomed toward church. What if God asked me to go get the checkbook? Do I know him well enough—trust Him enough—to sprint off in the direction He asks me to go? Especially when it’s cloudy and vague and makes no sense?

I frowned in the front seat, knowing the answer.

When it comes to God, I usually want specific details and a fully laid out plan.

Yet, so often when it comes to God, His requests are the kind that slap us senseless for a moment.

But they are always, always rooted in love.

All I have to do is trust. And then take off sprinting.

Sad Choices

My girls have had a tough time making good choices lately, especially when it comes to sleep. They refuse to nap, choosing to giggle beneath the blankets with each other in the top bunk instead. Then they wake up in the middle of the night to do the same thing. For hours.

As the days progress, I see their ability to function dwindling exponentially. First goes the patience. Then the kindness. Then the respectfulness. The obedience. The focus and ability to understand things. The ability to think of others instead of themselves. Everything. Everything goes out the window with each decision not to sleep.

And that’s not even counting the physical effects of sleep deprivation.

Recently, during a particularly unfortunate “nap” session, their racquet woke their baby brother, who also needed to rest.

I propped him on my hip and wiped his tiny, runny nose. “Sad choices have sad consequences,” I reminded the girls. “You’ve chosen to hurt your own bodies by not resting, and now that sad choice has also hurt your brother.”

“Sorry, Mommy,” they said in unison.

“The only way we can go to gymnastics tonight is if you rest and give your body energy. I’ll give you one more chance to make a wise choice. ”

“Okay!” They scurried to their beds and squeezed their eyes shut tight.

Gymnastics, to my girls, is the pinnacle of the week. When that day comes along, they wake up and announce to the house, “TODAY IS GYMNASTICS DAY!” Joy pours out of them in such great quantities, they have to bounce and run so they don’t explode with the emotion. And, when it’s time to go, they actually listen when I tell them to get in the van. That’s the real indicator of their love for the activity.

And I, as their mom, want to give them things they love. I want to take care of them—of their bodies, and of their wants and needs.

But the moment I closed the door behind me, little footsteps stomped up the steps to the top bunk. Then came the giggling.

My heart sank with devastation. I wanted to give them gymnastics. All they had to do was choose it.

But they didn’t.

As I opened their bedroom door, I knew what I had to do. “Girls, we can’t go to gymnastics today.”

Without a word, they rolled out of the bed and started walking out of the room. No emotion. No reaction. Nothing.

I squinted in confusion as they filed past me. “Are you not really, really sad right now?”

They both shrugged. “No.”

My boggled mind tried to make sense of this. “You mean none of this makes you sad? Hurting your brother by not letting him rest? Losing gymnastics?”

Their little shoulders shrugged again. They weren’t being difficult, they were simply being honest.

The consequences to their sad choices were somehow not making them sad. No wonder they keep making those choices over and over again.

Like me.

I know my sin is a sad choice. That it separates me from God and hurts the body of Christ.

But do I really let that sink in?

What if every time I sinned, I felt the sharp, searing pain of a nail grinding through my wrist? Or heard the agonized cry of the One who took those blows for me? Or understood the gravity of being separated from the only One who makes me feel whole?

Then, maybe, I’d have a better understanding of the devastation that comes from my sad choices.

But instead, I often sin and then keep moving on with life—without emotion or reaction—ready to go do whatever’s next.

As the sins progress, it can be difficult for me to see myself becoming less like Christ. But it’s there. First goes the patience. Then the kindness. Then the respectfulness. The obedience. The focus and ability to understand things. The ability to think of others instead of myself. Everything. Everything goes out the window with each sin.

Then I forge a way past my Father as I go, leaving Him behind me to feel the weight of the devastation.

“Are you not really, really sad right now?” He asks.

I shrug in apathy. “No.”

“None of this makes you sad? The nails in my wrist? The wound in my side? Hurting your brothers and sisters because of your sad choices?”

I shrug my shoulders again. I’m not being difficult, I’m simply being honest.

The consequences to my sad choices somehow don’t make me as sad as they should. It’s no wonder I keep making those choices over and over again.

God, as our Father, wants to give us things we love. He wants to take care of us—of our bodies, and of our greatest desires and needs. He wants to give us Himself.

All we have to do is choose it.

Blood Diamonds

Not long ago, we went to a birthday party at Cici’s Pizza.

Immediately, the flashing arcade lights beckoned all the children, and off they all ran together, carrying baggies of coins and little prizes.

“Do you have any money, Mommy?” my daughters asked, almost in unison.

I cringed at the hope in their voice.

“I don’t know…” I stammered. “Let me check.”

The girls danced in front of me, clapping with joy. The pressure was officially on.

I unzipped my bag, said a quick prayer and eventually scrounged up a little change for them both.

With smiles and thanks, they dashed off to join their cousins and friends. Moments later, they returned, their smiles somehow even bigger than before.

“Mom! Guess what we got!” they said, the big surprise concealed in their tiny, closed fists. The rest of their coins were gone. They’d spent everything on whatever was hiding in their hands.


IMG_8466Diamonds!” They opened their hands, displaying their shiny, new gems, enclosed safely in a plastic container.

I feigned a gasp. “Wow! How beautiful!”

“Can I take mine out and hold it?” my youngest asked.

“Of course, but be careful. We don’t want to lose it.”

My three-year-old nodded solemnly, sealing her oath with a death grip on her finest jewel.

For days, the kids went everywhere—and I mean everywhere—with those cherished diamonds tucked tightly into the crevices of their palms.

It got me thinking about us—about you and me and all of humanity.

About how when God made people, He put a small piece of Himself inside every single one of us. This immortal sliver of divinity—our soul—glitters and shines from within us, like an invaluable jewel.

And yet, how often do we fixate more on our bodies—our plastic containers—than the immaculate gems inside? More often than not, it seems. We all tend to focus on and obsess about the shape and color of our casings. We point out differences. We compare and contrast. We make up lies about whose is best.

With those thoughts in mind, I turned to my five-year-old, whose immortal glittering diamond is older than most.


“What do you like about your diamond?” I asked.

“It’s just so beautiful,” she said. “I love it.”

“Would it matter to you what the case looked like?”


“Would it matter if the case was a different shape?”


“Would it matter if it was a different color?”

“Of course not, Mom,” she said, clearly resisting the urge to put her face in her palm.

“So why do you like the case? What makes it important?”

She lifted her prized possession and peered at the glorious jewel with awe. “I like it because it keeps my diamond safe.”

A smile spread onto my face as I nodded in agreement. “I couldn’t have said it better myself, kiddo.”

She’s right, after all. Our diamonds need protecting. There’s an enemy working hard to distract us from that part of ourselves, to convince us to defile it, or to flat out rob it from us.

But God knows how precious we are, and He wants us more than anything else.

So, our Father gave His Son everything He needed to win the prize of our souls. And because of Jesus’s incredible love for us, He took what He was given, and He spent it all. Every breath, every droplet of blood. He spent it. For you. For me. For every single one of us.

And, after giving up everything He had, he returned to the Father with a smile somehow bigger than ever before.

I can just imagine their exchange.

“Dad! Guess what I got!” Jesus would say, the big surprise concealed within the wounds on his wrists.


All the diamonds.”

“Wow!” the Father would exclaim with genuine admiration. “How beautiful!”

“Can I hold them?”

“Of course, Son, but be careful. We don’t want to lose any of them.”

And then Jesus would nod, sealing His oath with a firm grip on His finest jewels, so He could go everywhere—and I mean everywhere—with those cherished diamonds tucked tightly into the crevices of His palms.


Severe Pentalties

I don’t know about you, but I can’t get enough of the World Cup.

I’m not just talking about the soccer (although that’s fun, too) but it’s the non-athletic activity that keeps making the headlines. From man-made “seismic activity” in Mexico and Chile, to a Croatian striker getting sent home after refusing to play, to the performance (or underperformance) of the Saudi Arabia soccer team.

That last one really gets me.

After losing to Russia in a 5-0 shutout, Saudi Arabia’s performance was quickly labeled as one of the worst in the history of the World Cup. Apparently, it was so abysmal, Turki bin Abdulmohsen Al-Sheikh, the chairman of the General Sport Authority, cited the game as a ‘total fiasco’—one which made his face “go black with embarrassment and fury.”

Adel Ezzat, the Saudi Arabian Football Federation chief, immediately jumped on the bandwagon, stating:

“We are very disappointed by the defeat. This result is totally unsatisfactory because it does not reflect the true level of our preparedness. Several players will face a penalty.”

The severity of their penalty remains unclear. Perhaps a fine. Perhaps removal from the national team. Perhaps, in a country that enforces capital punishment, that could be the penalty.

Screen Shot 2018-06-21 at 10.11.25 AMI don’t know.

Whatever the case (and let’s pray to God it’s not the last one), any outsider can most likely agree that penalties such as these are unfit, unjust, and overall downright ridiculous to place on someone’s performance in a soccer game.

Am I right?

And yet, how many times do we do this to ourselves? How many times do we place unfit, unjust, and overall ridiculous penalties on our own performances? How many times have we been Adel Ezzat?

I know I, for one, have been guilty of this. I’m very familiar with the crushing ache of humility that comes from slipping up and underperforming. I know exactly how it feels to do something so poorly, my face goes black with embarrassment and fury. And I know the self-inflicting penalties I imagine will come later.

It usually sounds something like this:

“If I don’t [insert goal/ideal performance here] then [insert severe penalty here].”

If I don’t write the perfect book and find an agent to represent me, I’ll never get published and my writing will clearly be terrible and no one will ever want to read it. All my hard work, my time—everything—will all be worthless.

If I’m not the perfect mom, what will happen to my kids?? (I’ll spare you the comprehensive list of things I fear will happen to my kids.) 

If I don’t make the best times while training for CG Games, then I’ll fail the competition and be a total disgrace. How would my loved ones even be able to look at me then?

How ridiculous do those things sound? I’ll answer that for you. They sound ridiculously ridiculous. And yet, those thoughts float through my mind with ease. For a moment (sometimes more) I may even believe them.

But threats of unreasonable penalties will not make anyone perform better. It will simply make us afraid to play the game.

Because here’s the truth: You are not perfect. You never will be. You’ll mess up over and over and over again because you’re human.

And, for that same exact reason, you are also deeply loved. 

No performance—great or poor—will ever change that.

So in those moments when severe penalties seem like a reality, take a step back. Laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. Give yourself grace.

And then keep playing the game as best you can.

What more can you ask of yourself?

How Many Times Do You Put Your Fingers In Your Mouth Every Day?

“I have water on my finger,” my three-year-old says from the backseat.

I cock a brow and glance in the rearview mirror.


“How do you have water on your finger?” I ask.

“From my water cup,” she answers, like it’s obvious.

But before we got in the van, I stuffed the water cups into the diaper bag and shoved all of it on the floor. Out of reach.

“You don’t have your water cup,” I say. “Are you telling me the truth?”


“Elizabeth, tell me the truth.”

“I am telling the truth…” her voice gets quieter, barely audible over the radio. “…that I put my fingers in my mouth.”

I shake my head in the driver’s seat. We’ve gone over this a billion times, but for some reason she can’t help herself. The kid sticks her hand in there so often, her fingertips are as much of a permanent mouth fixture as her teeth. When she first started doing it, I grimaced at the grossness. Then I tried shouting. Now, I simply remove her fingers, clean them, and direct her to use them for something else. Something she loves. Something that gives her joy instead of germs.

“Baby, that’s not water in your mouth, remember? That’s spit. They’re different.”

“It’s not water,” she echoes, “but it is soft.”


If I had looked up, I may have seen a lightbulb flicker on above me.

Finally—after almost an entire year of cringing and shrieking, “TAKE YOUR HANDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!“—finally I know why she caresses her tongue.

She likes the feel of her own spit.

To her, it doesn’t matter if her hands are covered in filth from a morning at the playground or the floor of a doctor’s office. She has no concept of the ensuing repercussions. She doesn’t understand how ill it could make her or the fact that—in extreme cases—if she puts the wrong stuff in her mouth, it could be a death sentence. She only cares about one thing.

The spit in her mouth is soft. And she wants to touch it.

And don’t we all?

Every single one of us has our own spit that we like to touch. It’s called sin. And sometimes we can’t help ourselves from touching it over and over and over. (If you don’t believe me, come to confession and watch me repent again for the same things I screwed up last time.)

Because here’s the truth: Sin doesn’t come with bright, flashing warning signs and a picture of a skull with crossbones.

Sin feels soft. And we want to touch it.

I reach for it, even when my Father cringes and tells me to keep my fingers out of my mouth. I can’t possibly understand the real repercussions of a sin-stained soul. I don’t know how ill it could make me or the fact that it could be my own death sentence.

But God knows. And, out of love, He has fought to keep me clean. He removes my fingers, cleans me, and directs me to use them for something else. Something that gives me joy instead of death. Something more like Him.

And that’s way better than anything else I could reach for.

I See You

One of my greatest joys is cheering for my kids when they do something amazing.

Amazing being a relative word, of course.

It could be writing a lower case ‘g’ in the lines properly. Or swinging from the monkey bars. Or hopping around the room on one leg.

Amazing can quite literally mean anything.

Just last week, my almost-five-year-old daughter was in gymnastics class, and for some reason, they started juggling scarves. After a series of “tricks,” the coach asked them to toss a scarf into the air and try to catch it with their foot.

Well, let me tell you, my daughter is determined to a fault. Even with something as arbitrary and trivial as catching scarves on her feet. (She gets it from her momma.)

So for a moment, she stood there, her brow furrowed in complete concentration as brightly-colored patches of fabric floated around her through the air.

Finally, she tossed hers up and stuck out her foot. The scarf floated lazily back down.


She tossed it again. Another miss.

Toss, toss. Miss. Miss.

Until finally, the sheer square landed directly on the bridge of her tiny foot.

The smile that exploded across her face could have lit the entire gym. With twinkling, blue eyes alive with accomplishment, she turned toward the coach.

But the coach wasn’t looking.

And all her gymnast buddies were too focused to notice anything other than their own scarves.

I see you, sweet girl.

I raised my hands above my head victoriously in the viewing area, and my lips stretched into a wide smile as I tried to will her eyes to meet mine.

I see you.

But she never looked my way.

And a little kid can only balance on one leg for so long. Soon, she tipped over and the scarf sailed to the floor as though the trick never happened.

Everything about her—who she is, what she did—went seemingly unnoticed. Unappreciated.


Mommas, I don’t know about you, but I feel like that all too often.

There are days—heck, even weeks and months—when it feels like I’m sprinting to take care of the physical, emotional, and spiritual needs of my family. Trying to clean the house, fold the laundry, do the dishes. Trying to write this book. Trying to get this post-baby body ready for CG Games.

Trying. Trying. Trying.

I’m constantly tossing scarves into the air and trying to catch them on my foot.

And lots of times I miss.

But sometimes—sometimes—I do something amazing.

Amazing being a relative word, of course.

It could be folding the laundry and miraculously getting the all clothes in the appropriate drawers. Or cooking three meals a day that everyone in my family actually eats. Or writing a chapter—or simply one sentence—that I’m proud of. Or giving 120% of myself at a Camp Gladiator workout. Or, most amazing of all, playing with my kids instead of worrying about what task I need to take care of next.

With twinkling, brown eyes alive with accomplishment, I turn toward my husband, my kids, my peers. Editors, literary agents, publishers. My CG trainer.

But sometimes they’re not looking. Sometimes they’re too focused on their own scarves to notice the one dangling from my foot.

And that’s okay. It’s not their job to keep their eyes on me.

But I can only balance my life for so long. Soon, I tip over and my scarf sails to the floor as though the amazing thing I did never happened.

Everything about me—who I am, what I did—feels unnoticed. Unappreciated.


Until I remember the viewing area. The one far outside my periphery.

Finally, I turn toward my attention that direction. There my Father stands, His hands raised above His head victoriously. Turns out He’s been there the whole time, watching, trying to will my eyes to meet His. His lips stretch into a wide smile as he says the words I’ve so longed to hear.

I see you, sweet girl. I see you.


When God Closes a Door…

My kids always seem to know what they want.

Milk. Snacks. A blanket. Socks. More snacks.

And that’s just at bedtime.

They’re pros at wanting stuff.

It’s like they’re hard-wired to desire what they think will make them happy.

Take it from my son. He’s only eight-months-old and can’t even speak yet, but he has the gift of knowing what he wants and communicating it clearly. (If you don’t believe me, watch what happens when Mom walks out of the room.)

He has also recently entered the get-into-everything phase. He army crawls like professional militia and can turn on the turbo jets when he’s hunting something down.

The other day, for instance, I was unloading the dishwasher. For the past eight months, this has been a relatively easy task. But with Sergeant Baby on the scene, it has gotten a bit trickier. He crawls into the dishwasher (literally, into the dishwasher, y’all) and one time I even had to wrestle a butter knife out of his tiny, dimple-knuckled hand. It was like a horror scene from Chuckie.

Finally, I managed to wrangle the weapon from my infant and he went on his merry, little way—directly into the open cabinet filled with tupperware. (I had tossed a few plastic bowls in there and darted away when I saw my son wielding a knife.)

He reached for the biggest, glassiest baking dish, but I pulled him away and closed the cabinet door.

And he did not like that.

The kid doesn’t know what a baking dish is—heck, he doesn’t even know what glass is—but by golly, he knew he wanted it. He had no idea what danger and destruction could have come from playing with butter knives or glass bakeware.

All he knew was that he wanted them.

Yet, as his Mom, I closed those doors for him out of love.

Aren’t we adults exactly the same way?

We’re pros at wanting stuff.

And we always seem to think we know exactly what we want.

A spouse. A new car. A promotion. A bigger house.


I, for one, dream of finding someone to represent and publish my dystopian novels and children’s books.

But, so far, God has closed those doors.

At first, I whined and shouted.

But what if God did open those doors? What if He decided to give me everything I wanted?

How would the reality of being a published author affect my life? My marriage? My kids? And my ability to tend to all of those things? How would it affect my heart? My spirit? My faith?

The answer: I have no idea.


I have no clue what it’s like to be under the demands of a publisher. I have no idea if it is good for me right now or if it will shatter my already-chaotic life into a thousand pieces of sharp glass.

It’s like I’m hard-wired to desire what I think will make me happy.

I’m programmed to pursue sharp knives and fragile Pyrex. And I truly have no foresight of what will happen when I get what I want.

But the only thing that will bring true joy to my life—and to all of our lives—is not our will, but God’s.

So I’ve learned to stop asking for things—or at least, I’ve stopped trying to pummel through closed doors on my own strength. After all, when God closes a door, He does it out of love. So now, I’ll simply back away, grateful for the blocked road with a new prayer pouring from my heart.

God, keep closing all the doors I’m not supposed to walk through.

What You, Jesus, and Nazi Germany All Have In Common

When I was a student, I had the enormous pleasure of meeting Eva Kor, an Auschwitz survivor whose life became the hit Netflix documentary, Forgiving Dr. Mengele. (If you haven’t seen it, you should—it’s amazing.)

When Eva was a young girl, her family was sent to Auschwitz. And, as a twin, Eva endured the infamously atrocious experiments of Dr. Josef Mengele—or, more appropriately named, The Angel of Death.

Screen Shot 2018-04-19 at 5.50.37 AMAfter years of suffering, the people in Auschwitz were liberated, and Eva was one of the first to break through the gates. Since then, she traveled across the world and restarted her life in Terre Haute—a town nicknamed ‘The Armpit of Indiana’ due to its pungent creosote factories.

There, Eva owns a small Holocaust museum off one of the main roads, filled with mementos from her experiences in Auschwitz. Each year, people from all over the world flock Eva’s museum to listen to and experience her story.

It’s like they’re drawn to her suffering.

I have experienced something similar in my own life—not with Nazis or Auschwitz, thanks be to the good Lord—but with suffering in general.

Over the years, I’ve been posting new material on this site and have been (a little too) active on social media. (Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram!)

On a typical day, my loyal readers check out what I have to say (thank you!) But, on the days I honestly share some of my heartache, you beautiful people come out of the woodwork to encourage and support me. When I blogged about losing my baby and my tubal pregnancy, you all buried me in love. When I posted raw photos of my post-partum difficulties, friends and strangers alike reached out with healing encouragement.

It is truly amazing. YOU. YOU are truly amazing.

And, every time, I find myself eternally grateful for the kindness and hope you inject into my life. (Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!)

This kind of response is so infused into our human identity, we even embody it at the biological level. When a physical trauma occurs, our blood—our lifeline—rushes to the wound in an attempt to heal it.

But why does this happen? Why do we go out of our way to rush into someone else’s pain?

Because deep down we know suffering is an injustice—a crime against the soul—and pain, in any degree, was never an intended part of life.

And yet, suffering affects every last one of us, no matter our color, race, gender, or socioeconomic status. No one can escape it. Even God Himself had to suffer as He hung on a cross naked, abandoned, and bloodied.

One look at the news headlines will prove that this world is filled with suffering.

But we were not made to suffer. We were made for joy, for love.We were not made for this world, we were made for heaven.

So what did God do?

He sent His most beloved Son into our pain-infused world. And Jesus willingly left his pain-free home in heaven to come suffer with us.

Similarly, when we dive into the suffering of others, we touch their wounds with a piece of heaven.

Because of Jesus, those who suffer can now be united with Christ the Paschal Lamb, and those who rush to help can relate to Christ the Healer.

We, as a people who were made for heaven, long for God whether we acknowledge it or not. And that is why we cannot stop ourselves from rushing to others and standing against the injustice of sin.

For where there is suffering, there, too, is Christ.

Are you experiencing any suffering at this time? If so, please leave your story in the comments section below. I would love to be there for you with support and encouragement! 

Ready for Church?

“Ready for church?”

It’s a silly question, really, and to be honest, I’m not sure why I asked. I gaze upon my two small daughters as they shove pancakes into their mouths, the stringy syrup striping their pajamas. Cheeks puffed with pastries, they shake their heads.

I run through the mental checklist: Clean the table. Clean the kids. Dress the kids. Do their hair. Get myself ready. Get out the door.

I take a quick glance at the clock and do the math. Ten minutes. We have to accomplish all of that in ten minutes.

Anxiety stabs me in the gut. “Time to get dressed! It’s urgent! Go, go, go!”

They scurry from the table, fiddling with everything they can on the way to their rooms. Even from a distance, I see how their hands stick to whatever they touch, and hear the pop as they pry their syrupy fingers from their plate. And their toys. And the walls.

I cringe.

Wipe down the whole house, I mentally add to the to-do list.

My husband takes the baby, and I hurry to the bedroom to throw on my Sunday best. After slapping some makeup on my face, I scramble back to my daughters’ room to find them swinging from their bunk beds. Naked.

“Why aren’t you dressed?!”

They point to the closet where their dresses hang. “We couldn’t reach.”

I glance down at my watch. Two minutes. With a little luck and a lot of Jesus, we could do this.

The girls choose their dresses and I stuff them in, zip them up, then shoo them out the door and into the van. In those two minutes, my husband has also managed—by some miracle of his own—to dress himself, dress the baby, fill a bag with Cheerios, and meet us in the garage.

Quickly, we throw the girls into their carseats and fasten the buckles. Then we’re off. As we pull out of the driveway, my husband and I sigh deeply. Just like we do every Sunday.

At church, we pile into our normal seats in the front row. We enjoy the clear view. The few distractions. The public humiliation.

“Mom, I’m hungry,” says my four-year-old.

“What? You just ate breakfast.”

“But I’m still hungry. Can I have a snack?”

I grab the bulging bag of Cheerios—the one my husband filled before we left home—and hand it to her.

Then we’re instructed to greet our neighbors. Which we do.

Then comes the music. Which we sing.

Then an hour of stillness. Which we can’t do to save our souls.

Almost immediately, my daughter drops the snack bag, sending 8,000 tiny Os sprawled all over the floor. My two-year-old, who’s already down there crawling under the pews, picks them up and shovels them into her mouth. I bend over to help and my infant son cries out for milk. I sit back up, swing my nursing cover over my head, and expose myself beneath it so he can eat.

We’ve already caused a scene. People are looking. I can feel their gazes smothering the back of my neck. I have no idea what the priest is saying. All I know is that I’m sweating. And if my baby yanks the blanket (like he’s been known to do), the entire congregation will get to see more than just Jesus’s body today.

My insides squirm more than my active toddlers. “Do you SEE what I go through to bring my kids to Mass?” I silently whine to God. “Do you see everything I’m doing to be here??”

“Really?” The word—definitely not my own—flashes through my mind, saturated with sarcasm and jest. “I went through some stuff to be here, too…”

Screen Shot 2018-03-28 at 1.27.33 PMIn one swift, sobering moment, Jesus Himself reminded me that my biggest inconveniences are merely that—inconveniences. Nothing painful (save for the few right hooks to the nose or cheek when my husband and I pass around small children.) But what I go through—these hardships I can hardly bear—are nothing compared to the absolute agony and misery that Jesus willingly endured. All so He could be here and live up to who He truly is.

Immanuel. God with us.

What about you?

What cross of yours makes it difficult to get to church? And will you choose to bear it to meet Him there?

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